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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
A year ago, every time I thought about her my heart swelled with love. All the little things about her that would annoy someone else, I loved. Her taste, her style, her cute nose, the way she said "hella" every other word. Everything. Watching DVDs on the laptop, crossing Nees. The little time we spent actually together was something to remember, and something I can never forget. She made me happy.
In February all that changed. Within a month she was with someone else - and lying to me about it. That started the downward slide, with things between us becoming progressively worse. I shouldn't have let some things happen as they did, but I just loved her too much to do some things that in retrospect, I shouldn't have let her do. Things went way too far, because we weren't part of each other's lives physically. We were too far apart, and the things that happened each day in our lives drove us apart instead of together. She went out to parties, she hung out with her other boyfriend, and I spent all of my time trying to figure out how to fix us. In many ways, we let each other become different people with different lives, instead of sharing a life.
You can't change the past, but the future is always in your own hands. Ben Franklin said:"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." That's exactly what was happening. The same things kept happening - lying, cheating, deception - and I was expecting it to change, while the only thing that changed was that as I let it happen unchallenged, she got a license to do it more.
In the end, all that we had between us were our problems. It wasn't going to change, and even if it did, what kind of relationship would we have then? Could you stay with someone for the rest of your life having started your relationship with even one of the things that happened with us? Most people couldn't. Most people couldn't have held it together as long as we did, but we did for the wrong reasons. There is a lot more to it that's going to be left unsaid. It's already been said too many times, and it doesn't matter anymore.
No matter how much you love and care for someone, sometimes it just can't work out. That's the lesson I've learned. Now I can't afford to have her as a part of my life, because the loss hurts too much.
I'm not strong enough to be with her, and I'm not strong enough to be without her. I just have to be strong enough to make it to tomorrow.
[ 9/30/2003 08:40:00 PM ] [
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