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Saturday, May 10, 2003
Sometimes hope is the only thing you have left to ground yourself in the world, and sometimes even that gets taken away from you. Some of the things I had looked forward to, that had given me hope, have changed. I'm left floating in uncertainty, my brightness slipping away.
From 7th grade on I ran. I ran cross country, and a little track, mostly because soccer got to be less and less of a challenge. One year for field day I did the distance run and actually finished. The next fall I signed up for cross country and not soccer and that was that, I haven't really played soccer since. XC was challenging, I had to push myself harder with each run, and though I wasn't the fastest runner I felt good in that I finished, and I suppose a lot of people couldn't do that.
I remember what it was like, to feel almost beaten, to want to walk it, to feel my knees burnt out and running on autopilot, to be numb with oxygen and endorphins, to almost want to quit and then see that finish line. Nobody cheered, really, at cross country meets. No girlfriends came out to watch a boring run. It was you and the finish line. It was you an the line you picked across grass, gravel, rocks, roots. When you saw that finish coming up, it could feel like it was in your hands, or it could feel like it was still 5km away.
The finish line in this part of my life keeps getting moved farther away. And I feel it.
[ 5/10/2003 12:50:00 AM ] [
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