In January I was in a relationship, for about a week or so, that felt like a lot longer. R and I met almost randomly, and we hit it off better than I could have expected. I cared for her a lot, and still do. Even now I could see myself with her for a long time, she was the kind of person that could keep up with me. She was anything but vanilla.
Things didn't work out, though how they ended up falling apart was all my fault. Looking back on it, I know I screwed up. I made mistakes, I made one very big mistake, but even so I can't really say that it was a bad thing. It comes down to the timing. When I met R I thought I was ready for it, but she turned out to be way more than I bargained for - in a good way. It's not often that you go out on what was basically a blind date and end up meeting someone you never should have been without to begin with. It's like ordering a snack and getting a 7 course gourmet meal - more than you can handle.
But like I said, the timing sucked. What she didn't know was that not that long before I had been in a very screwed up relationship, and I still had open wounds from it (which I thought I didn't). That affected my judgment on a lot of things. I wasn't ready for R, and I wish things had progressed more slowly so that right now I'd be going home to her, but it didn't work out that way. I get the feeling that the timing wasn't right for her either, that she got more than she bargained for, but I could be wrong. I just don't know. I wish I could sit down and talk about some of these things with her, but she's long gone and unreachable.
The girl I was with for more than a year, who I was engaged to, who abused my trust, who abused my feelings, I don't think about much. I'd say I rarely find myself thinking about her at all. Yet R, who I was in a relationship with for just over a week, I think about every day. [ 6/23/2004 05:40:00 PM ] [  ]