The other day, my boss John told me: "Dan, you've completely changed. You're helping people out, you're more than just on top of things, you're ahead of all of us, you're mentoring others, and you're just smiling again"
What did I say to that? "Well, the major sources of stress in my life disappeared"
That's about all there is to say. There were things that were holding me back from what's really important, and they're not holding me back anymore. Work itself was a big one. A dying relationship was another. It was just a different kind of giving up. One I can live with.
Why am I smiling? Things like hanging out with people I can really call true friends.
Hey, Jill. The thing you beat everyone else at... is being a friend. And that's a big deal. [ 10/04/2003 01:44:08 AM ] [  ]
Having good, new music again is a good thing for a coding boy! [ 10/02/2003 09:48:36 PM ] [  ]
LA Nights.... Hollywood Bowl... Cartoon Network Party....
For the longest time, I wasn't myself. Now I'm getting back to the things that are important- friends and having fun...
The Hollywood Bowl turned out to be a cool venue, an outdoor ampitheatre an a huge scale. You might think that something that big, and open, would have sucky sound but it was surprisingly good even in the WayBack™. We could see the stage fine, and the sound wasn't washed out like most large concerts. I haven't been a fan of Radiohead in long time, but they did put on a good set and the evolution of their unique sound over the years was reflected in the [setlist]. The Bowl was surreal. Surrounded by trees, on a hillside with only the stars overhead and the Hollywood sign dark, it felt so... not LA.Airplanes move.
Sophie was pretty cool, and we ran into Burton from Fear Factory afterwards in Hollywood at the Rainbow. He seemed pretty convinced we didn't know who he was, but the face he made when I mentioned his old band was priceless.
Tuesday night in Fullerton was kickass. Jill is always just the coolest to hang out with, because she shuffles, like me - but she unknowingly showed her cards when she started to actually dance. Me, on the other hand, I just made a fool of myself (and there ain't nothing wrong with that!). As Drew said:
"Dan, whenever I start to think you're not really white, you do something that brings me down to earth"
2 guys hit on Jill there, and it was funny as hell - one guy was the sterotypical geek, odd proportions, Mom's Favorite HairDo™, glasses and all. Seeing the same guy dirty dancing with SuperHoochie™ ten minutes later had everyone there shaking their heads.
I wish I had gotten a chance to win more swag breakdancing! Jill's rose broke, we went to Denny's after, and yes, the "Mini Burgers" are dinner rolls with meat on em.
That night, one word: Tight. [ 10/02/2003 09:43:40 PM ] [  ]
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Dancing in the ashes....
A year ago, every time I thought about her my heart swelled with love. All the little things about her that would annoy someone else, I loved. Her taste, her style, her cute nose, the way she said "hella" every other word. Everything. Watching DVDs on the laptop, crossing Nees. The little time we spent actually together was something to remember, and something I can never forget. She made me happy.
In February all that changed. Within a month she was with someone else - and lying to me about it. That started the downward slide, with things between us becoming progressively worse. I shouldn't have let some things happen as they did, but I just loved her too much to do some things that in retrospect, I shouldn't have let her do. Things went way too far, because we weren't part of each other's lives physically. We were too far apart, and the things that happened each day in our lives drove us apart instead of together. She went out to parties, she hung out with her other boyfriend, and I spent all of my time trying to figure out how to fix us. In many ways, we let each other become different people with different lives, instead of sharing a life.
You can't change the past, but the future is always in your own hands. Ben Franklin said:
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
That's exactly what was happening. The same things kept happening - lying, cheating, deception - and I was expecting it to change, while the only thing that changed was that as I let it happen unchallenged, she got a license to do it more.
In the end, all that we had between us were our problems. It wasn't going to change, and even if it did, what kind of relationship would we have then? Could you stay with someone for the rest of your life having started your relationship with even one of the things that happened with us? Most people couldn't. Most people couldn't have held it together as long as we did, but we did for the wrong reasons. There is a lot more to it that's going to be left unsaid. It's already been said too many times, and it doesn't matter anymore.
No matter how much you love and care for someone, sometimes it just can't work out. That's the lesson I've learned. Now I can't afford to have her as a part of my life, because the loss hurts too much.
I'm not strong enough to be with her, and I'm not strong enough to be without her. I just have to be strong enough to make it to tomorrow. [ 9/30/2003 08:40:57 PM ] [  ]