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Monday, December 09, 2002 What a shitty weekend.
Chelle's sick, and she had planned to come down here this weekend. It was a lot of hurry-up-and-wait, seeing if she would feel better when we knew she'd only feel worse later. So instead of going out and getting keys made, or buying sheets or whatever, I spent all weekend at home waiting for word from her as she was getting worse, 200 miles away from my arms. It put a lot of strain on both of us. A lot of talking but no getting better.
I offered to go up there, since 10 minutes together would solve any problem between us, and she spent most of the day telling me not to... until tonight, when she told me that yeah, she would rather have me there than not, but she didn't want me to go because she thought I would be miserable. We were a lot more miserable all day, I think we would have been a lot better if I had gone up there.
So far, she hasn't been able to come down here once, and most of the weekend I was afraid of setting a dangerous pattern between us, of her getting too used to me always going up there. We may already be at that point, I can't tell for sure. We may never get to that point. I don't know. But things aren't right between us, and now we're not going to see each other for at least a week, which means that things aren't going to get a whole lot better.
And that sucks.
There are a lot of times that we have problems because of the distance between us, and she doesn't seem to want to get us closer. I don't know what to think about that. I don't know if it's her, if it's me, if it's just the circumstances we find ourselves in, or what. I feel like I don't know what's really going on.
This morning when I got out of the shower I just wanted to curl up on the couch and shut down, and it took me a while to figure out that it was because I was depressed (not "depressed" like some people use it, depressed as in clinical depression). It doesn't happen to me often, and usually I'm pretty aware of it and can keep things under control. Often there's no rhyme or reason to it, for those that don't know, clinical depression isn't being unhappy about something, often it's being unhappy or down for no reason at all. I don't know if Chelle gets that yet, she seemed to blame herself for it, which was totally untrue. It had nothing to do with her, and that made me feel like shit.
A lot of things made me feel like shit today.
At one point Chelle asked where we go from here, and I told her it was up to her.... and she couldn't understand how it was up to her. I'm not able to change much of anything between us from here, under these circumstances.... it's up to her and she doesn't see it. That kind of blew me away. And reading her comment below didn't help much.
I'll figure something out, I hope.
[ 12/09/2002 12:13:00 AM ] [
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